Mom burnout is real and it isn’t something new. The thing is that we are the first generation of mothers to feel like we need to be with our kids ALL THE TIME. The reality is that isn’t even true. Kids don’t need us as their constant companions. In fact, studies tell us that it is best if we encourage our kids to play by themselves more. So why do we have all the guilt when we do something for ourselves?
A lot of it is comparison. We compare our everyday behind the scenes to other people’s greatest hits on social media. I’ve got a guilty pleasure of DEEPLY enjoying when my kids come back to say some mom was losing it. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not making fun of her. I’m thinking, “YES! It isn’t just me!”. Quickly followed by “I bet we can be friends”.
How come some people give up and cry into a bottle, while others just pick themselves up, dust themselves off and carry on as if nothing happened? They’re called coping skills, and anyone can develop them.
Motherhood is the ultimate test of emotional resilience. Some moms can get deeper and deeper into a negative spin cycle. The result is that it becomes almost impossible to change direction. The moms who can lean to let go of those spiraling thoughts (and the feelings attached to them) will come out happier and healthier.
What the heck do you mean by spiraling thoughts?
In a way, emotions are like quicksand or Chinese finger traps.
If you think about the negative crap that happens to all of us on the everyday or the super crappy crap that comes as its own special season of life as events in your life it changes the conversation you have with yourself. If the crappy things are just things that happen and we realize they are short term situations then it is easier to move on and let it go.
Let’s imagine the mom we all know that is always wringing her hands. To them when their kiddo doesn’t load the dishwasher for the fifth night in a row, it means they’ve failed as a parent and that their child doesn’t love or respect them. There is no other explanation.
To a more resilient mom in the same scenario, you might get pissed for a minute about the dishwasher and you might even be disappointed that they didn’t follow through. There might even be consequences for the inaction, but it doesn’t mean some big grandiose things that can’t be changed. Someone else’s actions (or inactions) don’t mean squat about you. You know that this could change in five minutes by them actually loading the dishwasher.
So what can you do to help you adopt this outlook?
Ever poured paint or bleach into a bucket of water? That’s how negative people think. When one bad thing enters their life, it starts to spread and color everything else. They may well have been the life and soul of the party until that point, but now everything is just a mess!
Try seeing new challenges as crayons that can be laid side-by-side with each other. Don’t dwell on the fact that you didn’t manage to quit smoking today, but see that you smoked less and are not going to let a temporary setback prevent you from trying again the next day.
Just because you don’t get something done the first time doesn’t mean you won’t get it done at another point in the future. No one writes a book, paints a portrait or drives a car the first time they try.
Mom Burnout and Self-Confidence
You didn’t even see it coming. One minute you thought everything was fine, and the next, you were looking at a a total shit show. The question is, what are you going to do next? I want to talk to the mom that has lost her groove a bit. It is really easy to become a total victim to mom burnout, but is way better to figure how to recover from mom burnout.
Confidence can lead to those spiraling thoughts quickly. Confidence is something that mothers often struggle with as their body changes, their social circles get smaller, and life is filled with sippy cups and laundry.
The problem is, without confidence, it’s hard to pick yourself up and keep going. It is hard to not sit in your negative thoughts when your feelings about your abilities and worth are in the toilet. It may have been a long time since you have given a single thought to you other than to feel like there is no time to care about you.
How to recover from mom burnout? 5 strategies
Fake It
In psychology, the phrase is to “Act As-If.” How do you do it? If you’re not feeling confident, act like you are. The funny thing is, once you get started, your body will kick in and will begin to find the old confidence for you all by itself. Don’t believe it? An entire Harvard study proved this to be true.
Take Care Of Yourself
When you are knee deep in dirty diapers or soccer uniforms and one of your kids can’t get logged into their virtual class -YET AGAIN! It is easy to just forget that you even exist as your own person.
The thing is that the more you neglect you – the more everything else will eventually suffer. You are probably the glue that holds your family together. So when you start to fall apart – everything falls apart.
Spend time connecting to yourself again. Do things you enjoy without guilt. Give yourself time to have thoughts and emotions. Allow yourself to deal with things in a healthy way. Sometimes therapy helps in this stage if you’re having more trouble than you know how to handle on your own.
Learn the Lesson
Failure hits confidence hard, but can also be an excellent teacher. Ask yourself what you can discover the next time you have parenting flop. There is always something to learn and you will probably be presented the lesson again and again until you learn it. This has been my experience.
Make it Hard
In most situation quitting is the easiest thing in the world to do, especially when your confidence is shattered. You can’t really quit parenting or being a person so how do you hang in there and restore your confidence? This might sound counter- intuitive and I’ll need you to trust me. Make becoming the best version of you a non-negotiable. When you take away the option of quitting, then you are forced to succeed.
You can do it on your own. You can also use accountability partners or programs and you’ll find it harder to let go of the project and walk away. The upside to this? You will be proving to yourself that you are the kickass mom, badass woman, and ultimate goddess you always knew you were.
Look for the Accomplishments
Very rarely are you faced with a total catastrophic failure. Stop disaster planning and get honest. What things went right? Where are the successes? By noticing what you’ve accomplished, you’ll find your confidence comes creeping back.
Mom burnout is real and should never be minimized. If you are feeling overwhelmed and trying some of these strategies doesn’t seem to be helping, please seek out professional support. Sometimes a professional can help you gain perspective and develop tools that we could never do on our own or with our loved ones.
