Co-regulation and Self regulation

Parenting is really hard. The brunt of the labor is on the default parent (most often the mom). I had no idea how often I would feel overstimulated, overwhelmed, and like I was at my breaking point as a mom. These are not feelings that are just for moms. Our co-parents and our kids also have times when they feel completely out of sorts. So we want to talk about the role of co-regulation and self-regulation in our own lives and in our parenting.

What is regulation?

Regulated refers to a person’s ability to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience. It means that you can maintain your composure and have control of yourself. It feels like your heart rate and breathing rate are normal and you are not feeling agitated.

You can empathize, but you aren’t caught up in the emotions swirling around you. You don’t feel the tell tale signs of fight or flight. That feeling of being stuck, like you can’t do anything (which can be a sign of the freeze or fawn response) is absent. You don’t feel triggered or attacked by what is going down. It is a lot harder than it sounds.

Regulation equals safety.

The idea is that it is safe to feel our feelings and we don’t need to either prepare for battle or run away like we are being hunted by a wild animal. Many of us, need to reteach our own nervous system that things like minor conflicts, disappointing people, being loud, taking up space, being told no or simply being in a space are not necessarily unsafe things. Be patient with your own nervous system during this process.

Many of us suffer through and may even think we are dealing with it. That is until we have kids because many of the normal childhood behaviors that we were taught were unacceptable activate our own nervous systems as being unsafe. These are called triggers.

What is co-regulation?

Our young kiddos rely heavily on our more developed nervous systems. When you are new to the planet – everything seems like a lot. Co-regulation is the ability of a child’s nervous system to be regulated by the presence of a caregiver. This is the idea behind picking up a crying infant or sitting with a kiddo that is overwhelmed by their feelings when it is time to clean up the toys for the night. Our kids can often benefit from our presence WHEN we can stay regulated.

Keep in mind that our nervous systems develop and mature slower than our bodies. As a child’s nervous system develops, they begin to learn to regulate their own emotions and behavior, but the grown up (that is you) continues to play a role in co-regulation, providing support and guidance when needed. Our prefrontal cortex doesn’t fully develop until our twenties. I still benefit from co-regulation today and I am well past twenty.

What is self regulation?

Self-regulation, on the other hand, is the ability to manage your own emotions. Many of the grown ups of this world are just beginning to learn to allow and manage their emotions. Most adults, were taught to stuff down or ignore uncomfortable feelings. Feelings were often labelled good and bad.

This rejection of an emotion IS NOT the same thing as managing emotions in a healthy way. This is one of the things that leads to burnout. This skill that develops over time and is closely tied to the development of the nervous system. Children who are able to regulate their own emotions and behavior are better equipped to handle stress and are more resilient in the face of adversity.

Supports for co-regulation and self regulation

There are a number of strategies that parents and caregivers can use to support co-regulation and self-regulation in children. These strategies can be grouped into three broad categories: emotional support, modeling, and environmental support.

Emotional Support

Emotional support involves providing a safe and secure emotional environment for the child. This means being attuned to the child’s emotions and responding with empathy and understanding. For example, when a child is upset, a parent might say, “I can see that you’re feeling really sad right now. That must be hard.” This helps the child feel heard and understood, which can be calming and soothing. We often focus on validating a person’s experience.

Modeling Support

Modeling involves showing children how to regulate their emotions and behavior through example. Parents can model self-regulation by taking deep breaths when they are feeling stressed or frustrated, or by taking a break to calm down before responding to a difficult situation. By modeling these behaviors, parents show children that it is possible to regulate their emotions and behavior in healthy ways.

Environmental Support

Environmental support involves creating a physical environment that is conducive to self-regulation. This might involve setting up a quiet space for the child to go when they need to calm down, or providing sensory tools like a fidget toy or weighted blanket to help the child feel grounded and centered. This also includes addressing the temperature in the space or the texture of the clothings. By creating a supportive environment, parents can help children feel more in control of their emotions and behavior.

Self-regulation Strategies

Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness helps you stay present and aware of your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, without judgment. It can help you regulate your emotions and manage stress.
Deep breathing: Taking deep breaths can help calm your nervous system, reduce anxiety, and improve focus. You can try belly breathing, where you breathe in through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth.
Exercise: Regular exercise can boost your mood, reduce stress, and improve overall well-being. Find a physical activity that you enjoy and make it a part of your daily routine.
Time management: Prioritizing your tasks and managing your time effectively can help you feel less overwhelmed and more in control. Use tools like calendars and to-do lists to stay organized and focused.
Positive self-talk: Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself and try to reframe negative thoughts into positive ones. Replace self-criticism with self-compassion and encouragement.
Visualization: Visualize yourself succeeding or achieving your goals. This can help you stay motivated and focused on your desired outcome.
Progressive muscle relaxation: This technique involves tensing and then relaxing each muscle group in your body, starting from your toes and working your way up to your head. It can help you release physical tension and reduce stress.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process emotions and gain perspective. It can also help you identify patterns in your behavior and work through challenges.
Social support: Cultivate relationships with supportive friends and family members who can offer encouragement and advice when you need it.
Sleep hygiene: Getting enough sleep and maintaining a regular sleep schedule can help regulate your mood, reduce stress, and improve cognitive function. Establish a bedtime routine and create a sleep-friendly environment to promote restful sleep.

Co-regulation Exercises

Co-regulation exercises are activities that promote a sense of safety, security and connectedness, between children and their caregivers. These activities help children learn how to regulate their emotions and behaviors in a safe and supportive environment.

Five co-regulation exercises with your kids:

Breathing exercises: Breathing exercises are a great way to promote calmness and relaxation. Teach your child to take deep breaths, hold for a few seconds, and then exhale slowly. You can practice this exercise together and make it fun by using bubbles or blowing up balloons.
Sensory activities: Sensory activities can help children calm their nervous system and feel grounded. For example, you can offer your child a sensory bin filled with items such as sand, beans or rice, and encourage them to explore the textures and sensations.
Playtime: Playtime is an important opportunity for co-regulation. Playing with your child helps them to feel secure and connected. Engage in activities that your child enjoys, such as imaginative play or board games.
Reading together: Reading together is a calming activity that promotes connection and co-regulation. Choose books that are appropriate for your child’s age and interests. As you read, ask open-ended questions and encourage your child to share their thoughts and feelings.
Mindfulness exercises: Mindfulness exercises can help children develop self-awareness and regulate their emotions. For example, you can practice a mindfulness exercise with your child by asking them to focus on their breathing and notice any sensations in their body. You can also use mindfulness exercises to help your child manage stress and anxiety.

By incorporating co-regulation exercises into your daily routine, you can help your child develop important self-regulation skills that will benefit them throughout their lives. Remember, co-regulation is a process that takes time and practice, so be patient and consistent in your efforts.