Have you ever lost your mind about something that looking back seems inconsequential, but in the moment it was the “straw that broke the camel’s back”? That is what it feels like to be out of your window of tolerance (this term was first used by Dan Seigel). What is the window of tolerance? The idea is that we all have this window where we can deal with the drama that unfolds without flipping our lid or shutting down. That means that when we are outside this window – dealing with life’s daily dramas feels too much and we flip our lid or shut down. BTW I prefer the term window of capacity.
The information provided is solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions.
If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services.
Window of Capacity
Some people have a larger window of capacity. Some of us have much smaller windows. People with a short fuse that lose it over almost anything have a very small window of capacity.
Let me give you an example from parenting. The preschooler is crying about a toy in the backseat for the tenth time in your 20 minute drive. You’ve been patient and calm until you snap. You might yell or grab the toy away from them because “I can’t take it any more”. You’ve left your window of capacity.
Frustration Tolerance – my definition
I’m not a therapist. I’m an educator and coach. I’ve dealt with many people. I started using the term low frustration tolerance when I became a parent. Watching my kids and other kids, and my students, and other parents, I began to see patterns emerge and at the time I just said these people have low frustration tolerance. I believe my error was that I assumed the low frustration tolerance was the problem, and now I think it was a sign that these people were operating outside their window of capacity and/or that their window was very small.
You might say that is semantics but I don’t believe it is. Low frustration tolerance has more inherent judgment. In other words, they’re flawed. It can even be dismissive – that is just the way this person is. Looking at it in terms of capacity creates more empathy in me. If I observe that these people are operating within a narrow window of capacity or outside their window, then my next question is how can I support them to return to their window or widen it. See the difference?
Example of leaving your window of tolerance
Let’s talk through some examples. These are hard to share. It pushes me to the edge of my own window just by sharing. So this is me asking you to be kind.
When pushed to my limits one of my personal favorites is to finally just announce, “I’m done”. The declaration of “I’m done” meant mommy was now far outside her window and needed to hide from everyone (flight) or even just go to bed. In the past, I used this to excuse myself for yelling (if I was “pushed” to keep going after my declaration) – I’m working on forgiving myself for that.
When we give things more urgency or meaning…
My kids are kids. I’m good (usually) with basic forgetfulness. When they repeatedly do (or don’t do) something I’ve asked – it is very hard for me to stay in my window. It relates to old trauma of being unimportant/not enough. Recently, I was looking for a lid for a water bottle and every single bottle I opened had been sealed with water inside after washing. I’ve asked over and over for them not to do that.
After years of exploration, I now can usually catch myself before I totally flip my lid outwardly. In the case of the water bottles, I was able to verbalize – this upsets me so much because I don’t feel like I have a voice in the house or that my feelings and needs don’t matter. It takes a lot of energy and awareness to process the feelings as they pop up. I had to stop and take deep breaths (create safety). My kids were not intending to activate an old wound. I get to decide if I matter and water bottles are not a measurement for that. As a result, I was more tired and easily agitated when the next thing occurred.
This window is compounding
One more example. You are mad at your boss and then your partner leaves his socks on the bedroom floor and you lose it. In this scenario, you aren’t really taking out the anger (at your boss) on your partner. You are already teetering on the edge or outside your window and the “one more thing” pushes you out and you flip your lid. As adults sometimes we refer to this as, “fresh out of F&%K$”. That is a clear sign that you are on edge or out of your window.
How to widen the window of tolerance
You might be saying,” Great Kim – now I know that I lost it for a reason, but how is that gonna help me?” I’m glad you asked. First, awareness is essential. We can’t address something if we aren’t aware of it. Second, you can expand your window of capacity.
Looking for ways to return to your window or expand your window of capacity?
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