Why Are Moms Always Tired?
Are you ending another long day and asking yourself why am I so tired? You might even wonder why are moms always tired? There are a lot of reasons that momming is exhausting but I want talk about overarching themes that contribute to the overstimulation and overwhelm that leads to being #momtired. These are not presented in any specific order so feel free to scan through until you find the one that really hits home for you.
Default Parenting
Are you the one that does the majority of the childcare “stuff”? This includes obvious things link changing the diapers, but also not so obvious things like taking the kids for their checkups or maintaining the schedule and either being the mom taxi or asking your partner to chauffeur the kids around? BTW this isn’t a phenomenon that is special for cis gender heterosexual couples. The default parent idea (and the ideas below) can be seen in most family dynamics. One person is taking on more of the emotional labor which quickly leads to burnout.
Luckily, we have seen shifts in this over the last several decades and dads are way more involved than they have ever been in the domestic responsibilities that come with family life. Reality is that moms tend to take on the lion’s share of tasks such as feeding, changing diapers, and taking care of sick children. This is regardless of whether mom works outside the home or not.
This can lead to a significant amount of physical exhaustion, as moms are constantly on the go, trying to keep up with the demands of their children. It can also be mentally draining, as moms may feel like they are always “on call” and never able to fully relax or take a break. Leading to our next theme.
Mental Load
Ever watched a video that was so relatable where the mom was sitting in the car with a million things running through her head? That is the mental load. Mental load is the invisible, yet significant, work that moms do in managing the household and family. This can include tasks such as meal planning, grocery shopping, scheduling appointments, and managing finances. This also includes things like reading up on parenting styles or learning disabilities or researching therapies or ways to solve bullying. Those all tend to fall on the default parent (probably because these are considered soft skills and undervalued in society).
While these tasks may not be physically demanding, they can be incredibly taxing on the mental and emotional energy of moms. Keeping track of all of the details and responsibilities of running a household and caring for a family can be overwhelming, and can lead to a feeling of constant stress and exhaustion.
This is without add the constant pressure to have self-care and prioritize ourselves while also prioritizing our kids, our spouse, our job, have a clean house, and so on. The list in a mom’s head is never ending. You aren’t crazy that you are tired – you are mental and physical exhausted because you are doing SO much.
Household Manager
In addition to being the primary caregivers for their children, moms are often also the primary household managers. This means that they are responsible for keeping the home clean and organized, as well as managing the various tasks that need to be done to keep the household running smoothly.
This can include tasks such as laundry, cleaning, and meal preparation. While some families may have a division of labor when it comes to household tasks, moms are often the ones who end up taking on the majority of these responsibilities. It is also important to figure out what part of a task is the most draining for you – grab the free Burnout Discovery Workbook to help you.
Supermom Ideology
Have you ever felt like you just didn’t quite measure up? That there must be something wrong with you because you just couldn’t keep up with the things to do? You can think of the birth of the supermom for that. The cultural expectation that moms should be able to do it all – work full-time, take care of their children, keep the house clean, and still have time for self-care.
I call B.S. Let’s take a woman who is giving herself up mentally, physically, and emotionally and the constant pressure and stress to do it with ease and grace. All of this does is make mom feel guilt and shame when moms are not able to do everything that they feel they should be doing.
Mom Guilt
I don’t know a mom that hasn’t been plagued by mom guilt at some point(s). It is like a deep sense of dread and there is no solution. Moms often feel guilty about taking time for themselves or not being able to do everything that they feel they should be doing or not taking care of themselves. See the image below. It makes sense that this kind of vicious cycle leads to exhaustion.
Nervous System Regulation
Let’s talk about the things we were never taught. You probably learned about nervous system regulation from social media (like the rest of us). You knew as soon as you heard the description that this was part of what you had going on. Flashbacks to being told it isn’t a big deal or calm down popped up immediately.
We are all born with a nervous system, but most of us were never given the manual. When you break out in a sweat when your kiddo is laying down in the floor while you are trying to check out at Target is a nervous system response. You were probably told to “just chill out” and that, at least for me, is not helpful.
Learning how to work with my nervous system has been the best gift I’ve given myself in adulthood. I don’t shame myself for the flush on my face or the quick breathing any more. This has given me the space to have a better relationship with my friends and family, connect more deeply with my kids and partner, understand my own needs and be able to meet them easier, and do this work I’m doing with moms and advocating for moms.
Nervous system regulation has a lot of parts. When moms are constantly under stress due to the demands of parenting and managing a household, their nervous system can become dysregulated. Dysregulation can lead to physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, and digestive issues. However, all is not “fixed” by a regulated nervous system.
Emotional Regulation
Moms are expecting to keep their cool in all situations. Why are moms always tired? Because we are ALWAYS trying to control our emotions and everyone else’s. I find this especially true as we as a society adapt to a more gentle or responsive parenting style. Let me start out by saying that I think a more authoritative (gentle) approach is healthy for kids. I also think it is often confused with permissive parenting, but that is the topic for another post.
You are expected to regulate your emotions and those of your children, but you were probably never taught how. Sitting with emotions I thought just meant replaying the events in your mind and pointing out all the ways I effed up and would do it differently. That is in fact not what sitting with emotions means.
The most important thing for you to know is we all have moments where we get frustrated, lose our patience, and snap. Our snapping might look a little different, but it is still a point where we act out in a way that may not be how we would choose to if we had more regulation. That is normal and the more you can accept that emotions are normal and learn how to allow an emotion without fighting the less you will find yourself snapping, but I don’t think it ever goes away completely. We aren’t robots.
So this has two parts that add to that overwhelming mom fatigue:
- The work of trying to regulate or avoid you emotions
- The guilt when you don’t do it perfectly
Again what a pile of poo.
How to solve why are moms always tired?
I don’t think this is something to be solved completely at the individual level. There some larger systemic issues that feed into moms as the undervalued backbone of society. We need to be sharing and educating as much as possible. We need advocates including cis gender males who are willing to start talking about these things and drawing attention.
I do think finding support is really important. Talk to a coach or join a supportive group that share your ideas and want to lift each other up. I currently coach and run small groups for that exact reason.
You can also make some tweaks at home.
Address Default Parenting
Have a conversation with your partner about the division of childcare duties. You shouldn’t have to shoulder the entire burden of childcare alone. Make sure you have a plan in place that works for both of you. Talk to your partner about the importance of sharing the load and how it can help you feel less exhausted. Anticipate that your partner will need to be educated. Do this in a non-shaming way, because they probably really don’t realize what is going on.
Offload the Mental Load
Stay in your zone of genius. If you are great at the soft skills like dealing with all the emotional stuff, have your partner take on the running to do list (or the reverse). This will require a transition period where it will feel like more labor at first AND it is worth the effort. Give it a few months and see before making more changes.
Delegate or Delete Household Management
We have zones in my house and they are assigned. I do food. My husband keeps up with things like clothes detergent and toilet paper. This wasn’t always the way it worked, but simple switches like that have made an enormous impact on the quality of my life.
Challenge Supermom Ideology
Challenging the supermom ideology is another way to combat mom fatigue. Remember that you don’t have to do everything perfectly. Set realistic expectations for yourself and focus on what’s important. Let go of the idea that you have to be perfect and embrace the idea that it’s okay to ask for help.
Works towards Nervous System Regulation
The oh so annoying thing about this is that each person is different. This is about finding a way to really tune into your body and meeting its needs. For some people this is taking breaks throughout the day to meditate or practice deep breathing and for others it is dance breaks or short naps or long runs. Figure out what feels good (and is healthy) for your body and your brain and don’t feel guilty about doing it.
Practice Allowing Emotions
If you feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster and you are always trying to get off, emotional regulation can really make an impact on your energy level. Learn how to process your emotions and practice self-compassion. Remember none of us do it perfectly. Talk to a therapist or coach, if you’re struggling with feelings of overwhelm or exhaustion.
Release Mom Guilt
You are not the only mom that finds this gig challenging. Try to focus on what you’re doing well instead of what you’re not doing. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small they may be AND have compassion for the not winning moments. I think mom guilt is a cycle so consider ways to disrupt the cycle.
In conclusion, why are moms always tired? Because being a mom is exhausting. The physical, mental, and emotional energy required is unfathomable before you are on the job. It is also one of the best and more beautiful things I’ve ever had the pleasure to do and there is not a person on this planet that could love my kids more than me. This isn’t about hating our families it is about loving and supporting ourselves. The result is everyone wins.
You don’t have to stay stuck in exhaustion and overwhelm.
You can get started with this free workbook.
