How does an angry parent affect a child?

As a mom, I know that parenting is not always easy. Sometimes we can feel so frustrated with our children. But have you ever stopped to think about how the parent’s reaction to their child affects them? In my experience as a mother of four, anger in the home only makes things worse for everyone involved and it does not solve anything! I’ve seen this same pattern repeat in my parent coaching practice. Let’s explore: how does an angry parent affect a child?

There has been research done on this topic and it shows that when there is anger in the home, children will be more aggressive themselves and they tend to have fewer social skills. This article explores what may be going on for you when you flip your lid and what you can do instead of yelling or getting angry with your kids AND how to talk to your kids if your meltdown has already happened.

Emotional triggers and parenting

The thing is that we are all human and our current state is impacted by all of the things that have come before this moment. This collective experience includes good things (YAY) and not so good things(BLAH) and even truly horrible things (various levels of trauma). For many of us, the good things were easy to handle and “allowed or good feelings” and the other two created emotions that we were taught to avoid. They may even have been labeled as bad.

You may have even been taught that you weren’t strong enough to feel those feelings. You might have had those experiences if you tell yourself now, “if I start crying I won’t ever stop” or “I shouldn’t be mad”. The thing is that not allowing our feelings to be is how we get stuck.

Emotionally reactive parents

The result is that when those old feelings are activated then respond from that place. Have you ever been in the middle of a meltdown (your own) and realized that your level of emotion didn’t match the circumstance?

For example, say your kiddo spills the juice after you cleaned the kitchen and doesn’t really clean it up. Instead of just calling them in and asking them to clean it up calmly, you begin a whole internal conversation about how you are completely disrespected in this house. It is like you are invisible and your energy and time mean nothing to anyone. By the time you call said kiddo back into the room, you are furious and want to let them know that you will not allow this type of disrespect.

This response didn’t come from spilled juice and a less than stellar clean up. This kid was being a kid and probably thought he had it all cleaned up and just didn’t.

Coregulation and parenting

Now this little bit of sticky juice on the counter has become a whole thing. Because in that moment you were emotionally triggered. What do I mean? You weren’t responding to the moment and the situation at hand. You were responding to all of the times you’ve felt invisible, used, belittled, unworthy, and you were gonna stand up for yourself. Because there was a time (probably when you were young) that you couldn’t stand up for yourself and you promised yourself that when you could – you would. Our brains are amazing and a little dramatic at times.

The thing is that we are continuing a pattern in that moment. You probably felt like this at some point by your parents – because that is how they felt and what they thought was the best way to handle these situations. Recycling these old wounds.

What if we took a minute before we responded and checked our brains first.

Our kids will meet our emotional temperature. We can either come at this regulated and help them regulate their emotions so their internal dialogue won’t look like yours are we can just keep this pattern going.

Breaking Generational Patterns

In our example, the kiddo might internalize that their efforts aren’t good enough, that what they can do is not appreciated, and that what they do is more important than who they are. Do any of these sound familiar? So how does an angry parent affect a child? They become angry kids and if not helped – angry adults.

If we can take a moment to realize we are triggered and we have old programming running, that can make all the difference.

I suggest a five step process when reacting to our kids:

SAFER

STOP
ATTUNE
FACTS
EMPATHIZE
RESPOND

Stop – Create a pause.

Attune – Tune into your emotional thermostat. If you feel your emotional temperature rising, take a minute to get that temperature back down. Adjust as necessary. This takes practice and you will have to do some work to figure out your own emotional regulation strategies.

Facts- Dig into the facts. Come back to the scenario as a scientist – just the facts. Allow yourself to see how you feel when you look at the facts versus your judgements about what is going on.

Empathize – consider how your kiddo might be feeling in this situation. Make empathy guesses.

Respond – Help support your kiddo in exploring a solution that leaves you both feeling regulated and respected.

Mommy Meltdown on Deck

If you’ve already had your meltdown, you can still make changes. Change is always possible. You need to take a minute to seek some repair in the connection you have with your kiddo.

A good recipe for reconnection…

Ask
Empathize
Take Responsibility
Plan for next time
Show self-compassion

I talk more about what to do after you flip your lid in another post.