We were all unprepared for the year that was 2020, but here we are still doing the same stuff. Since we are still stuck in Groundhog day – let’s talk about trying to keep it together. I know it feels like my kids are driving me crazy sometimes. I bet you have a little of that going on too.
Sometimes just feeling not so a long and having a plan can help me immensely. The problem with plans is that when there are people involved there are no guarantees. This is especially true when you are dealing with family members. The littlest ones with their own agendas. They are the ones that can make me scream – my kids are driving me crazy.
I am not a licensed professional. The information I provide below is from my experience and my opinion. Please seek the help of a licensed professional if you feel unsafe or need immediate help.
Kids are not trying to make you crazy.
Home is our safe place. For some of us that means we can relax and just destress. For some of our kids that means they can let their guard down and stop the draining level of control it takes to function at school or activities.
You would think that some of this would be improved by virtual schooling (it isn’t) or returning to school or daycare (it doesn’t) and the reason is that you are their safe place mama. Lucky us!
Let’s talk about 3 ways to approach when the kids’ drama seems to derail the day. This includes things like sibling arguments, meltdowns, and tantrums. If you are dealing with constant interruptions you might want to skip to the last part.
During the Chaos – when kids are making you crazy.
Some Things NOT to Do.
- In the history of mankind, not a single person has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. That isn’t gonna work here.
- Ask them why. If your kid is feeling frustrated, exhausted, or out of control this is not the time to try to engage in thoughtful conversation. They probably can’t even figure out WHY they are doing what they are doing.
- YELL. I wish I could tell you that I have never raised my voice, but that isn’t real and it isn’t human. Regardless, when we raise our voices we are just activating their flight or fight response and get them further from a point where they can self-regulate. Be willing to give yourself a mommy time out.
Some Things to Do.
- Create a pause. This is my most effective tool. My favorite is … “do you need a hug?”. You can also try things like… “well that was unexpected!”. These give just a small pause to help de-escalate the situation.
- After a pause, put a bandaid on it. You can even say, “I don’t need to know exactly what happened right now.” If you are in a call or a meeting you can follow that up with, “do you need my help right now or can this wait until I’m done with my call at ____ time.?” If you aren’t doing something that requires your attention simply ask what can be done as a short term solution for right now.
- Look for physical needs that need to be met. Often addressing one of these can help.
- Hungry?
- Tired?
- Thirsty?
- Uncomfortable?
- If it isn’t one of these, look at some of the other needs? And see if you can address one of these in the short term.
- Attention
- Alone time
- Confused about expectations
- Frustrated by other actions (not following expectations)
- Feeling picked on or not belonging
AFTER – when the kids aren’t driving you crazy any longer.
Some Things NOT to Do.
- Ask why something happened. That will only give you their perception of the events and while that is important, sometimes it helps to take the temperature down by using what or how questions.
- Take it personally. Remember that this probably has nothing to do with you and reflects on their own frustration tolerance.
Some Things to Do.
- Ask what and how questions to focus on solutions.
- Validate their feelings. They may need help labeling their feelings, but be careful about naming their feelings for them.
- Look for patterns. See if there is a pattern that leads to drama. This will let you be proactive in the future.
PREVENTION – how to stop the kids from driving you crazy in advance.
I find that lots of tantrums, sibling squabbles, and just general frustration can be anticipated. The patterns from above help a lot. That doesn’t always mean it happens but think of solutions to patterns of disruption. Some common areas that might need a little change are listed below.
Routines
- morning and evening routines
- what needs to happen when we come home from school or activities
- the steps to get ready for dinner.
Rhythms
Look for ebbs and flow and energy and create a loose schedule that adheres to that as much as possible. For instance, everyone in my house requires time alone if we’ve been out around a lot of people.
Connection
Proactive connection makes all the difference with our kids. So many times when my kids act out they are really looking for connection.
- “Make them” watch a documentary with you
- Play a video game with them
- Choose a board game
- Ask them to go for a walk
- Ask them to help you with a task – make it meaningful (everyone wants to be needed)
- Tell them you miss them and make an appt to spend time together
- Watch a movie
- Bake or make something
- Work on a project
- Watch Reels or TikTok with them
Hint: Younger children will typically need connection to start earlier in the day, be more frequent, but require less time for each interaction.
For interrupting kids:
If your child is constantly interrupting it might be a sign that they are actually seeking connection. This is a great time to start practicing delayed gratification. Show them a time on the clock where you will be able to spend some time with them or do something they are looking forward to doing. You can start this as soon as they can recognize their numbers.
If they are interrupting for snacks and drinks, create a snack drawer in the fridge or pantry and show them how to make their own water cup.
The important thing is to be a team. When the day falls apart and you don’t show up the way you want – ask for forgiveness. Give yourself and the kids grace. Know tomorrow is another day.
